FIFTY SHADES OF GRAYLING: The curse of Chris Grayling has struck again. His unerring ability to mess up the simplest situation remains unaffected, even in his absence.
True to form, Number Ten has tried to spin failure as world beating success. Grayling, says the PM’s office, is just too intelligent and too safe a pair of hands to chair the Intelligence and Security Committee.
The now notorious Russia Report is at the heart of Downing Street’s rationale. The usual job of the Intelligence and Security Committee, it reasons, is to leak titillating details of the Report to selected journalists, in return for cash. A man such as Grayling, with his mind on a higher plane, would be likely to leave the whole report, unredacted, for free, next to his face mask, on the 6.47 to Epsom.
Friends of Grayling have been quick to leap to the great man’s defence. “Chris was simply overqualified for the position,” claims longstanding chum Trevor Clever. “He is frequently voted Britain’s Smartest MP, and it’s a very competitive field. Chris always wins, even though he’s usually up against Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and even James Cleverly!”
LCD Views naturally wanted to speak with Grayling himself. Unfortunately, his chief aide, Alec Smartt, confessed over the telephone that his boss was so given to esoteric and profound thought, that mundane matters like working out how to talk via Zoom were too far below him. “He can’t even use a telephone without accidentally emptying the vaults of the Bank of England,” admitted Smartt. “His thoughts are so powerful, they affect everyone within range, like an aura. On the Committee, I can see him disclosing Britain’s nuclear codes and Dominic Cummings’ personal phone number simply because he is too busy squaring circles.”
Is this the same sophistication which led him to spaff millions of pounds on a ferry company without ferries?
“Naturally,” confirmed Smartt. “He deduced that the name Seaborne Freight was a fiendishly complex double bluff, within half a millisecond. His integrity is such that he never suspected that it was a gruesomely simple fraud.”
In his leisure time, Grayling is believed to inhabit a room with walls padded like a luxury sofa, while wearing a straitjacket. This, it is believed, is the only way to protect his immediate surroundings from the power of his brainwaves.
It’s all clear now. We have had enough of experts.