TAKING THE PEEPE : A Downing Street source has confirmed a new track and trace app is to be launched today to build on the success of the world beating Covid-19 one.
The new app is designed to identify friends of Dominic Cummings who are yet to receive lucrative PPE contracts.
“It’s not right that the contracts are always for £108m,” the source said, “sometimes they are for substantially more. And now and then a little less. But always a figure that would look great on the side of the bus.”
The app will be voluntary at first, with friends of the SPAD encouraged to self-identify.
“Once everyone who knows Dom and who has bagged a PPE contract has registered it will allow us to compare the list with the list of everyone he’s ever met who said a kind word to him. Whether they meant it or not. It’s not that his ego is that fragile he’s attempting to buy friends.”
Clearly there is no need for any parliamentary oversight on any of this.
“We are ruling because of the superiority of our bloodlines. It’s not for weaker humans to question us, or what we do. Bloody great bit of super forecasting to put through that rule that we can throw money around like candy in an emergency. No scrutiny needed. We’re just taking back what was stolen from us through tax.”
And who runs the company that will develop the friends of Dom track and trace app?
“Why a friend of Dom of course!”
We didn’t expect that! How much is the contract worth? £108m?
“Substantially more. £250m+, oh and the last screaming threads of UK representative democracy. A bargain at half of that.”