FIELD MARSHALL TWAT : THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN ENGLAND, Dominic Cummings, is currently completing his first ever defence review.
“The verdict is in,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “spending money on the army is a complete waste of time when your entire policy platform is exactly what your enemies want.”
It seems the five minutes Dom spent reading a famous book about defence policy in the early 90’s taught him everything he needs to know for a complete do over.
“We send millions every week to the army when we could better send it to tax havens instead,” the source went on, “a defence set up fit for the 21st century is coming.”
And it seems Dom is drawing on personal experience in reshaping the armed forces.
“He led the very successful coup against the British state in 2016-ongoing. And what was the most powerful weapon in the arsenal? A bus. That’s all the British Army needs.”
What will be written on the bus isn’t clear, but it’s understood that Dom will conduct focus groups to identify the most powerful slogan.
And it’s not just the army that is in for a shake down, the RAF and Navy are too.
“The Navy is going to be replaced with nudge theory. Basically Farage in an inflatable in the Channel with a long stick. He’ll literally nudge our enemies back to the Continent. The RAF will be one Spitfire, leased for £108m a flight from a private contractor.”
But what if the Army pushes back?
“Then Dom will go down and sort them out in his own way, and they won’t like that. No one voted for Dom. They voted for a lazy chancer instead who is happy to let Dom do whatever he wants. The people have decided and they’ve decided on a bus.”