JUST A NORMAL SENSIBLE COUNTRY WITH A SENSIBLE PROACTIVE GOVERNMENT : HEALTH SECRETARY and all round seller of his principles, Matt ‘those men who died on the beaches’ Hancock has given the nation an eagerly awaited update.
Speaking from the crypts of Leicester Cathedral, Yorkshire, Mr Hancock spoke at a podium lit by flashing lights. Taking an envelope from a ‘booth bunny’, fetchingly outfitted like a red cross nurse replete with stockings, Mr Hancock paused dramatically before opening the envelope.
“Whoa, mind the social distancing,” he playfully kidded, while closing in and leaning over the ‘nurse’. The angle of his lean a little too enthusiastic and mildly creepy, but only if you’re a normal, functioning human.
He took several seconds to open the envelope before removing the folded paper inside.
“I hold in my hands the Covid-19 test results for King Richard III,” Mr Hancock said dramatically, a smile spreading across his face like a warm party donation from US private health interests.
“People of Britain, King Richard III has tested negative for Covid-19!”
The bunny jumped for joy and Mr Hancock pressed a hidden button that released balloons and streamers.
“And we can be sure he is negative because we tested his bones 10,000 times in the last week alone,” grin so broad now his teeth looked set to fall out of his mouth, “and that’s what matters. How many tests done, not how many living, breathing humans tested.”
His plan is working.
With a flourish Mr Hancock then held aloft the skull of the long dead King. Staring deeply into the eye sockets like a high school Hamlet.
“Later today I will be accompanying Richard III to Durham to perform the now standard eye test,” he added, “and I think it’s safe to say that will also be negative. As for the rest of the inhabitants of Leicester? You’re to Stay Alert and stay in Leicester. No need to thank me for that.”