IF YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FLAG ON IT : Extra details today about the much loved revamp of Boris Johnson’s flying zoo, first announced in the week the government attempted not to feed hungry children over summer.
“It’s not just the new paint job that’s special,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve changed the engines too. The better to showcase Global Britain to the world, freed of the shackles of unelected officials, thanks to Brexit and Dom. Classic.”
It appears in addition to painting a signal of distress on the tail the engines have been replaced with a new design that burns wads of £50 notes.
The burning of pound sterling-engines was developed by an international consortium of hedge fund traders and kleptocrats and are believed to be incredibly efficient. It’s also thought the sheer cost of keeping the plane flying will counterbalance the lack of demand for Sterling on the international exchanges.
“The only snag is the sheer volume of money required to keep flying,” the source continued, “you need to throw in about £350m a week in fifties. Lesser denomination notes won’t do the job. It has to be fifties. Although if you get stuck mid-flight, running low on fuel, then you can have a group of Tory MPs stand on the wings and clap for the NHS. The intense concentration of hypocrisy creates a kind of magnetic field that continues to drive the engines. You can also throw in bundles of national self respect and international reputation, if you want to supercharge the plane. Or put a tiger in the tank, as we say.”
While the engines maybe of a new design the fuel delivery system is a classic.
“They operate like a traditional British steam engine from the Victorian era. You simply have a burly child stand in front of the furnace and shovel in the cash. And then keep shovelling!”
But there is one warning with the new system.
“It’s like diesel and unleaded with cars,” the source adds, “if you even attempt to put offshore tax haven money into the turbines the whole show will collapse. It has to be public cash from the Royal Mint. The more the merrier.”