DESTINY IS ALL : PRIME MINISTER DOMINIC CUMMINGS is said to be feeling a little cheesed off today after Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, Robert Jenrick, continues to steal the headlines for another day.
“Robby is only a pup,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but he’s already amassed quite a list of achievements in the Toryverse. So many questionable decisions while in government, such contempt for the law [allegedly], so many interesting links to interesting people. He even went to the Trump inauguration. Which doubled the crowd size. Quite the overachiever.”
But the latest story to hit the headlines involves Britain’s greatest former prime minister, David Cameron, and his plans to redevelop his shepherd’s hut shed as an S&M Superstore.
Initially his local council refused permission, citing public health concerns, but then Dave and Robert had lunch. It’s been plain sailing ever since.
“The headline is a little inaccurate,” the source continues, “as I don’t think anything will be being sold at any visit, well, not in a retail sense. But if you like leveraging your accident of birth to make the less fortunate suffer, it’s going to get the blood racing. And clearly if you examine David Cameron’s premiership he’s the one who deserves the credit for beginning what is now fire sale UK. Roll up! Roll up! Everything must go! Steam train entering a tunnel type stuff for modern Conservatives.”
But thanks to an imagined FOI request (mostly imagined because it was successful and not just hundreds of ‘redacted’ pages) LCD Views are able to reveal details of the planning application.
“It’s modern Tory fetish fun time. Multiple levels with audio-visual displays of food banks. Liz Truss tweeting about trade. Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein up close and coming in and out of focus like a 60’s psychedelic short film. Boris Johnson’s short film about “How I learned to give up the search for the G Spot and just keep shagging”, the criminality of the EU ref. Robert himself meeting with various billionaires who have issues with local councils and planning regulations. The despair of millions now suffering daily thanks to the only real motivation of their government being the movement of public cash to private pockets. It’s intensely arousing watching offshore bank accounts swell, swell and swell. You’ll need a shower afterwards.”
And seeing as it’s 2020 will there be a statue erected at the entrance?
“Yes. David Cameron holding a pig, in brass. Well, the neck is brass, the rest of it is just bullshit.”