MAKING A SPLASH: Edward Colston, the very late cruel bastard slave trader and guilt ridden philanthropist, is to receive a knighthood.
The justification for ennobling Colston is for his valiant, if fortuitous, contribution to race relations. In this one act of self sacrifice, he achieved more than he ever achieved during his lifetime.
It is a worthy man indeed who permits himself to be humiliated for the good of mankind. Whenever the next time comes to dole out gongs, Colston’s name will be at the top of the list.
Needless to say, the Crime Minister, Boris Johnson, was delighted. “I say, jolly good show, old chap,” he wibbled, as his driver exchanged details with the man in the black suit and dark glasses from the following Range Rover. “Dashed bad luck, that prang, I must tell the coachman to select the red, white and blue car next time.”
Tell us your thoughts on the Colston knighthood.
“Excellent, superb, magnificent,” he enthused. “I only heard about this hi jinks yesterday, same as that Daniel Rashford malarkey. In his honour, we will bring back slavery as soon as… excuse me one moment…” He put his hand to his earpiece and listened. “Great, great, thanks Dom. I mean, isn’t it fantastic that we are all talking about equal rights for our dusky friends?”
How do you propose to Knight a dead man? Again he listened to the voice in his ear.
“Dom will, er, wibble, er, that is to say, I will, er, yes that’s it, instruct Nigel Farage to sail to the docks in his wanky little migrant boat, and retrieve the statue,” he stammered. “It will be erected again in the House of Lords, most of them are living statues anyway! Hee hee hee!”
He ambled back to the dented car, the grubby business of apportioning blame and appointing lawyers over.
“No more questions,” he said. “Snack, tennis, nap. I’m a busy man!”
Edward Colston achieved in a few short minutes what four years of arguing could never do. His vacant plinth will remain as a monument to the vacuum at the heart of government.