THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE : The hay baled, shamble haired, spunk bucket of British politics, Boris Johnson, has spoken publicly about a lightbulb moment he’s experienced today.
The barely coherent utterances happened during one of Mr Johnson‘s rare conscious moments when he appeared, under duress and allegedly under the influence (of so many dark forces), to address his party’s sadness at having to feed hungry children.
“Like Theseus ascending Mount Porphyria, which we all recall as vividly as the day we used a new boy to clench tight a hot crumpet, a vision was waiting at the top of the summit,” Mr Johnson declared, bleary eyed and with a fearful glance at PMQs.
It wasn’t entirely clear what he was alluding to at first, although that is par for course, if the header for any speech wasn’t in bold and large font above him, no one would ever know the subject under consideration.
“And like the Ancient Greek wayfarer I too have experienced a revelation as if Mercury himself had dug out the kilogram of beeswax in my ear and whispered intelligence, briefly, into it.”
At this stage in the press conference it was still unclear what exactly he was talking about. The only certainty being that it wasn’t specifically about U.K.-EU relations as Mr Johnson had yet to employ a daft and vapid cliche.
“Dom! Dom! For whom the bell of doom Doms!” the obliterated conscience of long decayed imperial power blurted, “We are in the time of Cummings! Not of Johnsons! I only just learnt it today when he shocked me out of my fully steeped stupor with the cattle prod of DOMination in his hands. Which was a bit frisky for early morning, or mid afternoon to you.”
For some in the room it was still hazy. What was the megalomaniacal pustule of piffle referring to?
“Oh, he’s just worked out Dom is prime minister,” one hack realised. A revelation only to the “prime minister”.