LORD HAW-HAW AND THE SEA : GREAT NEWS FOR POTATRIOTS WORRIED THAT ONE OF BRITAIN’S MOST DISTINGUISHED VOICES, Nigel Fartage, will be heard no more.
“It’s not possible to shut him up, don’t be daft,” a spokesman from Broadcasting House told LCD Views, “he’s not leaving LBC because they’ve decided they can’t profit off the peddling of fascism anymore, he’s leaving because there’s an opportunity too good to miss at the Beeb.”
The opportunity appears to be the decision to begin a daily broadcast of QT.
“When we were deciding who to headhunt as host for BBCQTD (BBC Question Time Daily) we initially thought of Oswald Moseley. But. He’s dead. Bit of a shock. Some say that BBC research isn’t what it used to be! Ha! Research is for nerds.”
So it was straight to the modern equivalent after?
“No. Then we went for Enoch Powell. But. He’s dead too! Who knew? So next we tried A. Hitler. But what would you know? He’s dead. This goes to show you what happens when people don’t have statues in their memory. Everyone forgets all about them.”
Then you got on the blower to the old fascist peddling windbag?
“Yes. Via a diversion to the science department where we asked them if it would be possible to contain an actual fart and teach it to talk. They weren’t very helpful. We eventually agreed we would phone Nigel.”
But why did it take you so long to get around to calling him? I know he’s busy shouting at the sea most days, but presumably he’d love the gig?
“We thought he was busy spending the millions he grifted off idiots who subscribed to his Brexit Party and we didn’t want to disturb him. Besides, he is supposed to be writing a memoir detailing his struggles.”