Get a pizza the action! One company that won a contract to supply PPE has none at all to sell, although it does a tasty line in fast food.
The spectre of the much unlamented Chris Grayling still hangs over the government’s procurement system. It seems that government business is still being allocated on a purely random basis, topped with cheese, and half-baked for ten minutes at gas mark 8.
In fact, the nearest thing to PPE that this unfortunate company has is a pair of oven gloves and a pinny.
In better news though, the pizzas it delivers are some of the best around. “We only use the finest ingredients,” boasted managing director Mac Aroni. “Italian flour, Italian mozzerella, Italian tomatoes. Fuck knows how we will source them after the UK stops trading with Italy next year.”
Is the PPE supply business a sideline, a way of diversifying?
“No, my email was a practical joke,” admitted Aroni. “My good friend Fay Smask practically spammed the government with offers to supply PPE, but never got an answer. So I did too, for shits and giggles. Now I have this enormous contract and no equipment. Thick crust or thin and crispy?”
So long as it’s oven ready I’m not bothered.
Can’t you come to an agreement with Smask to supply the necessary?
“No, trouble is she got an order from the EU,” grumbled Aroni. “They bought everything she had in stock and everything she could source.”
Any idea why they wouldn’t buy from her?
“Don’t know,” admitted Aroni. “But the thing is, they always do due diligence, and although her company is rock solid, her Twitter account has an EU flag next to her name. Whereas mine has a union jack.”
PPE might, one day, be delivered. Possibly. On an Uber ferry, no doubt.