THE GHOST OF GRAYLING : THE GOVERNMENT HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEW TRACK, TRACE AND ISOLATE SYSTEM TODAY WITH MUCH FANFARE.
“We’re only months behind the rest of the world,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but that’s because we took time to get it right. By allowing 60,000 people to die first means the workload for our tracers will be more manageable, and there will be less mistakes.”
And while the system won’t be fully operational for sometime, people can be reassured that the private companies enjoying the contracts will presumably be lining their pockets the entire time.
“That’s one of the tangible benefits of managing this pandemic in a way that allows it to play out much longer than less intelligent countries,” the source continued, “are you aware of the eyewatering shift of public funds to private pockets, regardless of outcomes? It’s world beating.”
But it hasn’t all being smooth sailing on launch day. The early adopters of Dom’s mind mining app have all received some unexpected results.
“I received a Hawaiian pizza,” Mr Sellby, Date Cottage, Pizzachester reports, “moments after I entered my symptoms of blurry eyesight and an irresistible urge to take a 260 mile drive. But then I read the t&c’s and discovered they were copied from a takeaway firm’s leaflet, and it all made sense.”
But Mr Sellby was lucky, relative to others.
“I entered my symptoms of a desire to use a public asset reserved for heads of state to gaslight the country, specifically to show them who is in control of their lives now,” Mrs P Pe, Contagious-on-Why reveals, “and then I discovered some chaps painting a red cross over my front door. Apparently God is going to spare my first born, or something.”
Update of the system is expected to be ramped up over coming weeks and ordinary citizens will do their civic duty.
“Dominic Cummings won’t personally be using the app,” the source adds, “because he’s already driven CV-19 up and down the country, potentially infected god knows how many. But that’s not a resigning issue. It’s time to move on, we’re bored of Barnard Castle, we’re thinking of visiting Leeds.”