READ THE FINE PRINT : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT THIS EVENING, VIA THE CLASSIC ‘SOURCE’, TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION REGARDING THE 2019 DECEMBER GENERAL ERECTION.
“Lately we have been receiving queries regarding the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December GE,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can confirm it was not Boris Johnson, a popular misconception, but Dominic Cummings.”
The reason for the statement is believed to be the result of recent seismograph tests which revealed millions of barely conscious Tory voters bursting into spasms of activity, upon realising who is actually prime minister.
“People’s memories can cloud with time,” the source continued, “just like today. Already people are believing that Prime Minister Cummings’ PA, Boris Johnson, refused to let the science swots answer questions at today’s Covid-19 party political broadcast. This is not the case. Mr Johnson essentially hassled the reporters to ask the science swots questions, before giving up in exasperation and moving on.”
The clarification of historical fact will be welcome to millions of concerned voters, some of who maybe feeling like chumps.
“Everyone (who was paying attention) knew that the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip was Dominic Cummings. And whoever he works for. Best not ask about that. Boris Johnson was merely a brand name, or a slogan. He was never going to wield power, apart from the fact he couldn’t be bothered to do the work required for that.”
Whether or not non-party affiliated, spaffing SPAD Mr Cummings will appear on the next GE ballot paper isn’t yet clear.
“It depends whether or not we dispense with the façade of elections altogether. Which given the way we now have things stitched up, a hobbled parliament, a craven cabinet, a curious ownership of postal voting and constituency boundary changes to come, is not entirely certain we need anymore elections at all.”