JUST FOLLOWING THE INSTINCTS OF A HOOVER : RUPERT MURDOCH’S PICK TO BE BRITAIN’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER, Secretary of State for Slippery, Michael Gove, has waded into the debate about driving eye tests.
“I was only following my instincts as a vacuum cleaner,” Mr Gove told a slightly baffled press corp this lunchtime. “And to see if my nostrils worked. I was about to take part in a competition to see who could hold their breath the longest and I didn’t want to find my nose inoperable at the time. You could almost say it was a matter of life and death. I’m sure any judge and jury would agree. And the British people, the British people themselves will see what I did as fair and reasonable. In fact, I would go so far as to say, when faced with a mountain of the finest marching powder, and a breath holding competition straight after, any British man, or woman, or woman, or child would do the same.”
The unique defence is unlikely to be tested in a court of law, luckily for Mr Gove.
And he has received support from the expected corners. Shortly after his speech dozens of Tory MPs tweeted their support to Mr Gove.
One dedicated bootlicker even went so far as to say, “when I was caught on Wimbledon Common with a young person somewhat my junior in years, although I must stress well over the legal age of consent, with my trousers down and clutching several twenty pound notes, I was only testing if the local economy was vibrant and healthy. It was essentially an act of public service. I am sure you will agree.”
And there was more. Former Brain of Britain, now reduced to a skanky dust mote that’s been stuck on the cat’s backside for a day, Dominic Cummings, hailed Mr Gove for his sincerity.
“It’s entirely reasonable. It’s just like strapping your confused four year old into the backseat of your powerful motor car and tearing along narrow country lanes to test your eyesight. Anyone in Michael’s position can now claim the same. I’m sure the Attorney General will agree.”
And this is how it will roll in Brexitannia forever, until the people have had enough of the BS and demand once again that their elected public servants have not only a conscience, but a functioning brain. And not just a claim to have a giant one.