WILL THE REAL PRIME MINISTER PLEASE STAND UP PLEASE STAND UP : Sometime caretaker prime minister, Boris “Al to his chums” Johnson is reported to have spent today choosing which of his new body doubles will take PMQs tomorrow.
“He’s hired the best body double agent in the business,” a completely discredited, invented source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and they’ve spent today at Chequers auditioning a crack team of mimics.”
The best agent in the business is said to be none other than French auteur Michel Star, who arranged Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-Il’s and Melania Trump’s doubles.
“Whoever can get just the right pattern of um’s, ers, and random, entirely misunderstood classical illusions into a response to a question on PPE in schools will get tomorrow’s gig. And I can assure you the pay packet is substantial. After PMQs they’ll have to have lunch with Stanley Johnson, no mean feat.”
Plans are also in place to hold PMQs in front of blue screens with a delay on the broadcast.
“This is so the whizz kids of special effects in such famous digital feature films like ‘Donkey Scum Does Best Lying Down’ and ‘Dude! Where’s My Country?’ can digitally insert cheering hordes of Tory MPs to drown all the girly swot questions Starmer will calmly level at the Boris stand in.”
LCD Views would like to wish well whichever of the clearly talented actors gets cast to play Mr Johnson, Part Time PM, tomorrow and hope they do almost as much preparation for the role as Mr Johnson does himself each week.
“Don’t worry, Mr Starmer will be rattled tomorrow,” the source says, “whoever he ends up facing will potentially even be able to complete a coherent sentence.”