Back to skool! Following its triumphant reopening this week, and a successful Freshers’ Ball at the weekend, the University of Life is now teaching students the ancient art of making placards.
The eligibility criteria are few. All alumni of the School of Hard Knocks may participate, so long as they have access to paint, cardboard, and a length of two-by-four. Anyone else whose ignorance of proofreading is complete may also join in.
The course has three modules: assembly, painting, and message. Anyone can act as a tutor, so long as they have a shed or garage, six crates of Stella, some manky old tattoos, and an undying love of West Ham United Football Club.
LCD Views contacted one such tutor over a well-known social media platform, where his handle is @hamersfan95562247844. We’ll call him Dave.
“Assembly is a piece of piss,” wrote Dave. “Make a square frame. Put a pole down the middle. Nail it together. Stick cardboard over it. Nail that down too. Lovely jubbly!”
Painting was even easier.
“Slap the paint on,” wrote Dave. “Let it dry while you finish your crate of Stella, and watch the 1966 World Cup Final again and have a man-wank as Bobby Moore lifts the trophy.”
Sounds quite simple so far.
“The words, now that’s no problem,” wrote Dave. “Think what you want to say, but don’t think too hard or you’ll lose the will to live. Paint the words on the sign. Wherever you like, it’s a free country. Don’t let the bleedin’ Grammar Nazis tell you what to do! Have some more Stella and you’re good to go!”
Even if you are basically waving a word salad in the air?
“Salad? Eff off, you metropolitan liberal elite avocado muncher!” he raved. “Real men eat British beef, not rabbit food! Now, that’s it, I’ll have a Pony off you now…”
Unfortunately, the connection dropped out at that point.
Trust in the common sense of the British people. What wrong could go possibly?