10 OF THE BEST : Downing Street has moved today to quell criticism of its Covid-19 pandemic policies by explaining who is to blame.
“Clearly it was an error to allow the nation’s teachers to design our pandemic response day by day,” a senior source inside the dark satanic mill told LCD Views, “you would have thought with all the free time they have on their hands teachers would have made a better fist of it and kept the R value below the mortality value. Or however that works. I am not a math teacher. Frankly, I’m sure I speak for the entire United England when I say I am disappointed.”
Exactly what teachers have to say for themselves isn’t yet clear. According to government sources most are “skiving off work like your average lobby fodder MP over summer recess”.
“If it wasn’t for teachers insisting they could teach the hardworking men and women nestled in the crab infested loins of Downing Street best how to defeat Coronavirus, well, we would already have fully ended the half assed non-lockdown lockdown. I blame them fairly.”
Clearly the only avenue left to teachers is to make amends for the lethal shambles they’ve caused by taking control of the pandemic management, and reopen schools forthwith.
“It’s perfectly safe to go back to underfunded, packed classrooms with insufficient resources. Everyone knows that under 18’s can only pass the particular strain of CV-19 they are unlikely to catch to one another. And I don’t see too many 17 year olds working as teachers. Do you?”
Do your bit teachers. Remember, your sacrifice will be rewarded with Boris ‘fat boy slim’ Johnson clapping LIKE A SEAL on a doorstep once a week with whoever he’s currently shagging. Or by Boris getting the clap off whoever he’s currently shagging. You choose! Your country needs you!
In unrelated news, a furore has kicked off over the spelling of the badges being made to boost teacher morale. English teachers have taken uxbridge at the omission of the “e” at the start of the world “XPENDABLE”…