THERE’S A SQUEEZE COMING : The United Kingdom is about to discover there’s no such thing as a free lunch as the time to pay for (mostly) staying alive draws near.
“We’ll be ramping up some old favourites,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “tighten our belts, all in this together, there’s no magic money tree, mostly because we’ve already felled and chipped it. And so it’s only fair the public chip in.”
What the public will think about this isn’t clear, but it’s presumed the cabinet hope that they’ll be too busy staying alert to notice the tax hikes aren’t as evenly distributed as Covid-19.
“Public spending is a lot like a virus,” the source continues, “it has to be controlled or we’ll have well resourced public services spreading like a plague across the land. This disincentivizes the gig economy. We can’t be having that.”
But why further austerity will be needed when debt is currently free won’t be answered, or even asked.
“Clearly the world’s tax havens are stuffed to the jowls with money that should be in various exchequers. And clearly the public paid for the banking crisis as the banks just took all the cash and put it into bonuses. None of this can be allowed to change. The net result allows the 1% to have an endless contest over who’s winning at life. Somebody has to pay for it. And we haven’t fostered ethno-nationalism for years now just to throw it all away on a public health crisis.”
But what about people who may find their belt is already so tight they can’t tighten it further?
“Their fault for being born with substandard genetics. Pretty obvious. And besides, they can always wear a corset.”
Get Ready to do your bit to pay for Coronavirus. It’s only fair. Just ask an inheritance millionaire.