WATCH YOUR TONE: The mask has slipped. But put it back on quickly before anyone gets the virus. The fatuous filibusterer and acting Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has issued advice to his critics. It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, he says.
“Let me be perfectly clear about this,” he spluttered to the virtual press conference, in which the press was not allowed to ask questions. “I’m doing this for your own good! If you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer, which makes you look stupid for asking it, if indeed you did ask, and if you didn’t, well you might have done, and what I’m really saying is, you must stay alert to avoid looking stupid, but it’s up to you, but whatever you do, stay alert!”
What does “stay alert” mean, asked a member of the public.
“Well, really, it means to stay alert, unless you can’t, but you should try to, well, the most important thing is to stay alert and don’t travel by bus, unless you have to, and even then don’t do it, and later today there is a 130 page dossier coming out which explains exactly what stay alert means,”
Clear as muddied waters.
Why don’t you follow your own advice, asked another pleb.
“I’m always staying alert,” waffled Johnson. “Oo, oo, oo, oo, staying alert, staying alert. Do as I say, not as I do. Protect the NHS by being alert at all times, keep calm and carry on, if you can, unless you have to go to work, let me be very clear about this, don’t panic, don’t tell ’em, Pike, these tricky blighters are everywhere. Reds under the bed! Fight them on the beaches! Stay alert! Stay alert! Exterminate!”
Johnson has left plenty of room for doubt with his statement, but at least there is nobody in the country who still doubts that he is a fool.