CONTROL YOURSELF : His hair combed, his suit strangely free of creases, Britain’s prime minister of blithe announced a week of national mourning.
“Those European countries that have declared public mourning for Coronavirus victims are missing the point of a national tragedy,” a source close to the PM of laidback told LCD Views, “who is really suffering? It’s not the dead. It’s done and dusted. Atoms and dust. It’s the politicians who have to live with the consequences of poor choices by members of the public.”
The week will begin today and continue as long as necessary. All inhabitants of these spectred isles are expected to wear black and carry themselves in a somber mood “reflecting the unfair calamities“ that have befallen the World King, since he descended to the throne.
“It’s all going to plan of course,” the side commented, “if you’re Covid-19. Bit baffling. It hasn’t released one slogan? Something is decidedly fishy.”
And in a cross party initiative Downing Street will reach out to the other parties and ask them “to respect Mr Johnson’s privacy in this difficult time. Now is not the time to query the decisions of the Johnson administration. Have a heart.”
Media supporters of the prime minister have been quick to commend the move, noting it is “statesmanlike and will unite the country in sympathy for Mr Johnson.”
Ordinary folk will be asked to get the bunting out again and set out their garden tables in the front yard. Congas and hokey cockeys are encouraged, for those wishing to be seen on the BBC news.
“If people support one another they can get through witnessing Mr Johnson’s time as prime minister turn into the complete bin fire no one could have anticipated. If they’re really lucky they may just live to see the end of it.”