STUCKHOME SYNDROME : Not content with topping the league tables on the European continent for CV-19 pandemic mortality, the merry people of little England had an additional reason to celebrate yesterday.
“It’s a good thing our Churchill tribute act compared the killer virus to a mugger,” one cheerful reveller told LCD Views, “if I’d grasped the basic reality of viral transmission I may have been too scared to come out and party. But where are you safest from a mugger, if not in a crowd of your neighbours?”
And many seemed to share the upbeat outlook as plastic patriot Union Jack bunting was hung from picket fences and the fizzy pop sparkled and burst like a human cell exploding with busy little viral cells breeding patriotically.
“I’m especially proud of how many ‘Honourable Mentions’ we’re getting in the Darwin Awards,” another participant told LCD Views, momentarily stepping out of the backdraft of Covid-19 in a socially distanced conga, “it’s nice that people who’ve (bafflingly) managed to breed also get a nod.”
NHS staff were said to be upbeat and feeling especially needed as footage of the revelry was broadcast by a smiling BBC. Two weeks from yesterday they’ll be feeling just as needed as they were today, or two weeks before today.
“It’s not so bad, lockdown,” a party goer said, “if you can get out on the street and raise a glass to your neighbours to celebrate potentially winning a Darwin Award? Amazing. I may never have to return to the office again.”
There were of course some critics, but in batshit crazy Britain we don’t listen to the gloomsayers. And it’s fair to say that England especially made it one foot closer to not only the grave, but the mythic victory of herd immunity yesterday.
“My grandfather would be so proud,” a final celebrant mused, “when he waded onto the beach to defeat fascism, if only he could have had a vision of his descendants three quarters of a century later? Out doing the conga in the middle of a pandemic? Just imagine that. The rest of Europe can only look on and wonder.”