EXPERT SEXPERT : The SIC (Shagger In Chief) man of Britain, Boris Johnson, has confirmed, via an UDSC (Unidentified Downing Street Source), via RP (Robert Peston) or the good ship SS LK (SS Laura Kuenssberg) that The Telegraph will shortly publish a front page column by their prize columnist.
The prize bull(shitter) of UK print columns is of course the UK’s MOM (Man of the Moment), BJH (Boris Johnson Himself).
The column will meditate on the sanctity of marriage.
“Mr Johnson knows all about the sanctity of marriage,” the source confirmed, “he’s tested it to destruction. Reverse engineered it. Dismantled and reassembled with new parts. Basically, he’s the expert.”
It’s believed the column is both a reaction to recent events and also timed to capitalise on the new baby.
“Just because the baby was conceived out of wedlock, during an extramarital affair, is no reason not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s continuation as the father of the nation. By the time he’s finished he will be the father of most of the nation.”
There will also be the secrets to a long and happy marriage, with critics (there’s always some) already claiming that those sections will be plagiarised.
“There will be a good mixture of Ancient Greek and some medieval French thrown in. It won’t be at all relevant, but it will make Mr Johnson sound superior, by virtue of a bought and paid for education.”
Free copies of the column will be mailed to every home in the United Kingdom and anyone that pins the article to their front door will be spared when the Angel of Death visits the land, ie, not have to return to work at the premature end of lockdown.
“If you want to know about the sanctity of marriage, best to find out from the man who’s lining up a new one, while still trying to wriggle out of the old one.”