A FRIDGE! A FRIDGE! MY KINGDOM FOR A FRIDGE! : Those waiting for Boris Johnson to face Kier Starmer at Wednesday PMQ’s are in for a long wait it seems after the Prime Minister produced a note from his personal physician.
LCD Views has seen the fictional note and our non-existent handwriting expert has confirmed that the writing is “definitely not Boris Johnson’s and definitely that of Doctor Anon”.
Whether or not Dominic Raab will take well the news that he will continue to deputise for his boss isn’t yet clear.
“Raab will cope,” a source inside Dom’s weightlifting set told LCD Views, “he’s spending most of his time looking in the mirror asking ‘Are you looking at me? Well? Punk. Well? There’s nobody else here’, before flexing his biceps and imagining giving Starmer a wedgie.”
The intervention from the medic is timely as Mr Johnson can only take so many free holidays, spend so much time in ICU, so much time recovering after ICU, only see so many babies delivered (well, maybe not, given the prodigious bull that sires them), before he will be expected to face the new LOTO.
“It’s a bit rum Labour electing a guy that can actually do the job of holding the government to account,” a source inside Downing Street complained, “Starmer just takes the nonsense Raab throws at him and turns it into a cream pie. He then throws it back in Raab’s face. Heaven help us if Boris starts improvising in front of him.”
But the danger will be avoided for the foreseeable future.
“Given the condition no one in their right mind could expect Mr Johnson to stand up at PMQs and face the music,” the source went on, “facing the music is not a skill he has anyway. But that’s alright. He was just born lucky.”
And what is the condition that reasonably excuses Mr Johnson from PMQs on and on?
“Why bone spurs of course.”