Great news! Our great leader has been declared fit for work by the Universal Credit people. He will be working day and night to distract attention away from where it should be.
“Ah, yes, the jolly old reins of power, raring to go, wiff waff, I say,” he is expected to say at the early morning press conference, which will be just in time for elevenses. “Well I’m back, yes, protect the NHS, stay home, stay safe, strain every sinew, err, something something, wibble, wibble, in vino paintbox, did you miss me?”
The nation will breathe a sigh of relief at the return of Johnson. If only because it means that the country is no longer in the hands of Dominic Raab-it-in-the-Headlights.
So what has been going on behind the scenes? The transcript from a private briefing between Johnson and the newly installed Professor of Medicine at the University of Tufton Street, “Classic” Dom Cummings, has been obtained by LCD Views’ Phone Tapping correspondent. This is what it says:
CDC: Ok, Spaffer, just get out there, be charming, and bugger off again sharpish. Claim your doctors have told you to take 60 minutes’ rest every hour, or something.
BJ: What shall I say, Classic? There’s 20k dead even using the adjusted figures, the members are getting restive, and Donald has forgotten to take his meds again.
CDC: Claim ignorance. They think you are a lazy, ignorant bastard anyway, so nobody will challenge you. The old tart Kuenssberg will be told to stick her tongue up your backside as per. You don’t have to worry about anything.
BJ: What about the science we are supposed to be following? What is the latest from SAGE?
CDC: You know as well as I do that science costs money we won’t get back. You mustn’t say Herd Immunity any more, even the ERG find it offensive now. I have worked hard to negate every point the fucking experts make. Just say the catchphrase and stutter winningly. Chuck in some Latin if you must. The usual.
BJ: Business as usual, then.
CDC: Business as usual.
Nothing to see here. Nothing. Move on, move on. Phew.