Government promises to test 100,000 fibs this week

Ramping it up: not content with believing six impossible things before breakfast, the bar has been raised. The new target is 100,000.

Example fibs are rumoured to include ‘We are working day and night’, ‘PPE is on the way’, and “The NHS is safe in our hands’.

This is a big ask for a government which, to date, has been committed to testing just one fib at a time. Unfortunately for them, Keir Starmer, the Sunday Times, and even Piers Fucking Morgan are now refusing to swallow their bullshit. The capacity is there but the will is yet to follow. So the fibs are being ramped up.

It’s all about getting ahead of the curve and flattening it. Facts that have latterly been buried under one pathetic lie are now poking their heads above the parapet, like spring daffodils emerging from beneath a thin layer of manure. Dominic Raab, the least convincing Boris Johnson impersonator since Boris Johnson, is starting to struggle with his grasp on unreality.

This isn’t doubling down. Or even squaring or cubing down. This one’s going exponential, like a virus allowed to spread unchecked through a vulnerable population.

So expect a flood of fibs, a torrent of tosh, a cloudburst of codswallop. Expect more bollocks than the waste disposal unit in a castration station.

Ministers have been very careful not to promise 100,000 new fibs, because even if they strain every sinew they possess, and several they don’t, it’s a target more likely to be honoured in the breach than in the observance. Even the fertile, febrile imagination of “Classic” Dom Cummings would have difficulty creating the necessary untruths in the timescale required. Instead they are trumpeting that they now have the capacity for 100,000 fibs.

It’s all in the syntax. Finally, a tax this government doesn’t want to cut.

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