Downing Street confirms prime minister attended every Cobra meeting regarding wine supply to Chequers

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE OF CHABLIS BORDEAUX AND CHAMPAGNE : The prime minister’s dwindling band of mouthy supporters have struck back today against Rupert Murdoch’s plan to replace Boris “took it on the chin” Johnson with the man-tadpole called Gove.

“These libellous rumours that Mr Johnson missed five consecutive Cobra meetings over Coronavirus are true,” an imagined source told LCD Views, “He basically greets such invites in the same robust, defective way he does invites to a birthday party for a child he may, or may not, have fathered.”

Governs like he parents?

“Too much like hard work. Anyway, he didn’t need to go in person because Dominic Cummings was at every one of them. Dominic does policy. Boris does world king. And Dominic has some really far out ideas about how to solve the social care crisis. Like magic. But don’t take that to mean the prime minister never turns up to Cobra.”

So which Cobra meetings does he attend?

“The ones he deems vital to his style of viral governance,” the source confirmed, “the ones to do with securing the constant flow of wine into, and just as vitally, out of the cellars at Chequers, Chevening and 10 Downing Street. He personally convened those ones.”

So guiding the country through crisis is all about a consistent approach?

“That’s it. And following the science both of avoidance of accountability and dishing out the blame.”

Don’t clap for Boris. Raise a glass of Chateau Idiotese 1964. Much more appropriate.

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