FILE UNDER ‘PISS UP IN BREWERY’ : ROMANIAN field workers being flown in to the UK to do the vital work of picking our crops are being set straight, right at the off, about who needs who more.
“Boris Johnson has recorded a video message just for them,” our Downing Street ‘source’ tells LCD Views, “he’s had to shout the words, obviously, otherwise these chaps won’t be able to make head nor tail of instructions. But he wants them to feel welcome and that everything is perfectly fine and sensible.”
Tough questions are not being asked, as is usual in Brexitannia.
Who is profiting from the special charter flights? In terms of who has the contract to supply the workers? Are they linked to the governing Tory Party? Such as a postal ballot firm might be? Would the flights have happened regardless of Covid-19? Much in the way that the NHS has been run down to make working for a private contractor more appealing? Would the same neo-con have happened here?
“We were a bit bloody shocked that the millions of pro-Brexit accounts, which amplify and push the pro-Brexit message on social media, didn’t turn up for work. It’s almost like they’re mostly bots, or if real people, just big mouthed, gullible gammon who can’t be arsed to do a real day’s work for twelve hours in a field on sod all money, so we can enjoy cheap food. I’m sure no one will look into this in due course.”
But to save the blushes of the Romanians, who are probably embarrassed to be coming here to do the work Brits can’t be bothered to do, or can’t financially survive if they do, there is a welcome, care package.
“Boris has made them all disguises out of empty wine crates,” the source adds, “there’s a choice of two. They can dress as either the prime minister or the UK’s modern Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel Farage. This is so locals don’t try and stone them. Boris has even painted little faces on the masks, which is nice.”
And to make doubly sure they know their place in Brexitannia Anne Widdecombe has been specially employed to ride bareback along the crop lines with a loud hailer giving them one direct, indisputable message.
“You need us more than we need you!”