TAP IN AND TAP OUT : Stand in for Boris Johnson, well known geographically centred improv artist Dominic ‘the domino’ Raab, has sought to make travelling on London Underground both more exciting and less congested.
“He’s responding to criticism that by forcing low wage workers to continue to travel on less trains the government isn’t doing enough to protect them, as they can’t perform social distancing on crowded trains,” our Downing Street source’s stand in stands up and holds forth.
The new measures have seen huddled teams working through the night to widen the famous gap between the doorstep of a subterranean train and the platform edge.
“Two metres. That’s now the law,” the source continues, “we asked people not to block the entry tunnels to platforms while waiting for their hourly service underneath the capital. Other commuters will need those lengths for run ups to board the train.”
But as the casualty rate amongst transport workers continues to grow in the pandemic, everyone can be reassured that once Raab’s eager beaver colleague, Matt ‘Those men who died on the beaches” Hancock has gotten nurses to stop wasting precious PPE willy nilly, while trying to care for the sick and also stay alive (in the face of government shortcomings), that transport workers will be next in line.
“After government ministers.”
After government ministers. Although there’s dispute over that, seeing as how failure to follow WHO advice has seen many of them already contract the illness.
But why increase the famous gap underground to two metres? Purely to follow proper guidance? It will surely mean some workers falling through the gaps left by policy makers.
“I didn’t think this article was about care homes?”
No. It’s not. But now you mention it.
“Let’s stay underground,” the source misdirects, “it’s two metres because that’s the size of the gap between the ears of the Man Who Discovered Dover and is now acting prime minister.”
A neat coincidence.