Key workers in Westminster were put under extreme pressure yesterday. This is because the self styled lizard king, Michael Gove, emerged from hibernation and opened his mouth.
“Good morning,” said Gove, and immediately there was a whiff of singed polycotton. Seasoned Gove observers reached immediately for their phones to ring 999.
“The government is doing everything it can during this crisis,” he continued, as a small flicker of flame was noticed by some of the assembled journalists.
“We are ramping up the number of covid-19 tests,” Gove announced, and now the flames were clearly visible to everyone present.
“Unfortunately there is a shortage of available chemical reagents,” he continued. Everyone retreated from the conflagration, as the fire brigade screeched to a halt.
“We tried to obtain a supply, but accidentally deleted the relevant email,” he concluded, while volunteer firemen in homemade firefighting gear hurried to unroll their hoses.
Gove stood there, bewildered, as the fire fighters trained their equipment on his rear end. He blinked incomprehendingly as the flames were doused. “Well, that was a lot of fuss about nothing,” he remarked, as his sodden pants spontaneously burst into flame again.
The firemen stopped mending their protective clothing with sellotape for a moment to give his bum another blast of cold water.
Gove gave a little shake, like a damp dog, and settled himself again. “Wow, I’m on fire today!” he quipped. The fire brigade looked on anxiously, but Gove just continued to drip.
“I am proud to announce that a large consignment of British ventilators will be delivered this week!” he dribbled. With an explosion the flames burst forth again. The firemen, resigned to their fate, anchored the hoses in position and sat a safe distance away.
“There will be over 8,000 new machines, including the 8,000 we already have!” he crowed.
The fire had gained the upper hand. Everybody retreated and ran for cover as Gove happily continued the briefing.
Michael Gove is rumoured to own several hundred pairs of asbestos underpants.