Nothing to see here: it’s all going so well. Joined up, big government is the order of the day. Unfortunately we don’t have anything like that in this country. Boris Johnson is leaving the big decisions to individual householders.
This is a bold move. At a stroke, Johnson has avoided both responsibility and the need to do any work.
The message, when it arrives with a fresh FREE sample of coronavirus straight from 10 Downing Street, will contain not just one letter but two. One will argue the case in favour of CV19, and the other against.
LCD Views contacted the Prime Minister’s office, and the only available ‘source’ spoke to our My Indecision Is Final correspondent.
“Make this quick, I need another power nap,” purred the ‘source’, who turned out to be none other than Larry the Cat. “As the only inhabitant of Downing Street not infected with CV19, I’ve had a very busy day.”
Why the two letters, we wanted to know.
Larry slowly stretched out in the weak spring sunshine and yawned. “Got any cat treats?” he asked, finally.
Half a packet of Dreamies later, he was able to give us some insight.
“I don’t think the big blond human has a single thought in his scruffy head,” he miaowed. “Now that the other human has scarpered, you know, the bald psychopathic one… err…”
You mean Dominic Cummings?
“Yeah, that’s the one,” agreed Larry. “So, Scruffy doesn’t know what to think without Psycho whispering in his ear, and I think that he is trying to duck the issue while appearing to take decisive action.”
Johnson will have more splinters in his bum than Jeremy Corbyn!
“Who?” asked Larry.
The old, useless one who falls asleep on trains.
“Oh, yeah,” yawned Larry. “Shame he didn’t become PM, I was planning to crap on the bed every night if he won. Sort the podium for me, will you?”
And with that Larry strolled back into Number Ten.
The decision is yours. Herd immunity, or heard enough?