VIRAL REDISTRIBUTION : Some things Tory MPs aren’t keen to share between rich and poor, like magic money tree inheritances, the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, and the profits from casino gambling with people’s pensions. But when it comes to a potentially lethal viral cold they appear much more generous.
“We’re levelling up Coronavirus,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, on the back of the news that Health Minister Nadine Dorries is the first high profile politician to be infected.
“So we’ve no plans to test minsters or the prime minister, or anyone that Dorries has been in contact with. At least not so far as we’ll admit publicly, because then everyone will expect testing.”
To this end large public gatherings are still going ahead. Jammed commuter services are still operating and schools remain the greatest place to catch a cold going.
“Also a full sitting of parliament today, with Dominic Raab looking like he’s having trouble negotiating a bad cold,” the spokesman nodded, “and then everyone back out to their constituency surgeries and swanky events. We’re British. We’re not Italian. Covid-19 knows this.”
Right…
“Look, we can’t have the panic until there’s something to panic over, like a pandemic,” the source continued, “an unwillingness to look reality squarely in the face and act in a preemptive fashion would make a failure of Brexit. It’s how we govern now. Don’t you like it? We definitely aren’t planning to explain to people how we will maintain all vital supplies and services in the event of the inevitable lockdown in a week or two. If they don’t go out and panic buy then how will we achieve record growth in the first quarter of 2020? Brexit stockpiling really gave the economy a boost.”
When pressed as to why mass public gatherings like the Cheltenham races were still going ahead, with 60,000 people in close contact on the first day, the spokesman shrugged.
“Horses can’t get Covid-19, any fool knows that.”