W ANCHOR FIRST CLASS : The people may have had quite enough of experts in the fields of trade, economics, aviation, manufacturing, the pharmaceutical industry, what makes a passport, the labour market, electoral crime, foreign interference, civil society, what is true and what is false, basically all the way through, but not it seems when the boffins are talking about the happy expectations of a long and vigorous existence.
And news today that self pleasure, the five knuckle shuffle, beating the bishop, going blind with pleasure and throttling the trouser snake boosts the immune system has the United Kingdom’s most powerful politicians beaming with the happy expectation of living to a right old age. Regardless of their plans for the NHS.
And it’s not just figures in the cabinet that are celebrating. Nigel Farage is expected to take to the air on his live hate show on LBC and make the understandable claim that he’s going to live longer than Moses.
“It’s really good news,” LCD Views health matters correspondent comments, “with the Coronavirus pandemic, the looming shortage of citrus thanks to looming no deal Brexit, the endless grey and rain, what Britons need now is a way to strengthen their immune defence in a cost effective way. And nothing is more cost effective than time spent alone really looking after yourself. I mean really looking after yourself. If you know what I mean.”
We know what you mean. Don’t bang on about it. At least we have an inkling now as to why there’s a looming toilet paper shortage. But the last word goes to our source at Downing Street.
“We’re all really chuffed,” the source told LCD Views, “because we’re all, everyone of us, massive wankers.”
Amen to that.