UK WIPES OUT : The National Lottery is feeling relieved today after a sales surge on the back of a change to how jackpots are paid out.
“You’ve got to be on it to wipe it,” UK lottery sales manager Mrs Phour Plie told LCD Views, “I must say the sales surge is a welcome break after a period where sales have felt somewhat backed up. But we couldn’t quite put our finger in why.”
But it seems taking inspiration from the endless crap of the news cycle was the intake of fibre the lottery needed.
“We thought people are watching their commemorative Brexit 50p’s. Maybe they’re not as prepared to flush money down the drain as they used to be? Lord knows Downing Street is doing enough of that. It’s got the fiscal runs. So we had to ask ourselves what do the great British public really want in times when the national mood is loosening its bowels?”
Something to wipe away their concerns?
“Precisely. People are stockpiling toilet paper when they used to like to spend a penny. So let’s give them so much paper they can feel reassured they’ll never be caught short.”
Smart.
“And with a No Deal Brexit once again pushing back around the political S bend, and Coronavirus shutting down the Chinese toilet paper industrial complex, the increased lottery sales are no splash in the pan.”
The first toilet paper millionaires will soon be announced.
“And if they don’t flush their winnings away come 2021, they’ll have rolls of ready currency to hand, as sterling is expected to fall below parity with Andrex, Who Gives A Crap and all other known brands. So grab yourselves a ticket, and if you don’t win, you can still wipe your arse with it! That’s an investment that guarantees a solid return.”