Pandemic panic is a good thing, claims Health Sell-off Secretary Matt Hancock. It puts the British into fight or flight mode, which will come in handy come next year, when communities will tear themselves apart scrapping over the last tin of baked beans in Lidl.
The government’s official advice has been upgraded from “Yeah, whatever” to “F*ck me, a deadly virus! Run away! Run away!”
Hancock has his finger on the pulse, his snout the trough, and his hand on his cock. His infectious toxicity is spreading rapidly as he tries to spin disaster as a good thing.
“It’s good to tighten our belts and toughen ourselves up,” admitted Hancock to LCD Views’ Don’t Touch Me, I’m Still Infectious correspondent, who refused to shake Hancock’s unoccupied hand. “Our predictions predict a riot, predictably. This disease thing will root out the weak, and leave the country fitter and leaner. Who needs three good meals a day, anyway?”
Admirable sentiments, but what does this have to do with Brexit? Sorry, Br#x@t.
“No deal, err, B-word, means our slavish dependence on the EU will be gone forever,” he explained. “We will have our freedom, country and full sovereignty back. If we have to do without European bread, cheese, milk, meat, vegetables, fruit, wine and fish – yes, fish – it will be worth it in the long run. I say, are you feeling a little peckish?”
Yeah, we are all looking forward to that nice yummy sovereignty. In the meantime, what will there be to eat?
“There may be short term shortages,” Hancock scolded. “It will be like when you have a virus and can’t eat.”
So we will definitely be the sick man of Europe again?
“Let me just say that we will make an outstanding success of no deal, err, thingy,” replied Hancock.
No answer, no deal, no idea. Still, a cock in the hand is worth two in the bush.