PREGNANT WITH PREPARATION : PATRIOTIC BRITONS HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR FROM THE NEW FANGLED FLU SWEEPING the globe as Britons have the best government in the world.
“We’re the envy of everyone, especially the chaps across the channel,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “this is why we don’t need to be part of that bloody EU pandemic talking shop. Waste of time. We’re Global Britain. I’d be surprised if the Coronavirus doesn’t just fall flat on its face when it hits our shores. A pint of warm bitter will do for a Corona any day of the week.”
But not to be accused of complacency the leadership of Brexitannia is putting various measures in place to bolster the natural fortitude of the indigenous population.
“Boris has been on television lying about a hospital visit,” the source shrugs, “that’ll keep Twitter distracted for days. And if it’s necessary he’ll ad lib some more bollocks. Basically we’ll just keep everyone chasing their tails until the pandemic fades away. Summer will kill the bugs. It’s essentially a matter of passing time till then.”
But what if the crisis really grips the country?
“Then a snap election. No one will notice the bodies piling up if we all have to go and vote again,” the source smirks, “a mixture of electoral crime and a catchy slogan will completely do for everyone.”
Get Coronavirus Done!
“That’s the one.”
And if that doesn’t work?
“Then we will release the Black Death to stalk the land once again. A proper British disease. Feel the pride swell in your chest. None of that foreign muck.”
You’ll feel the pride swell in your groin too.
“Now, now, there’s no need to get low brow.”