SOME MOTHERS DO ‘AVE ‘EM : The UK’s most famous father, committed family man, Alexander Boris words words words Johnson, has announced he will be taking paternity leave in anticipation of his latest child arriving.
“Mostly he’ll be stockpiling on wine. The staff can get the nappies in,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “all that crying in the middle of the night replaced by the mewling infant? The crackled nipples of the latest mother now out of bounds. It’s a tough gig, being a sperm donor. But there is the tangible benefit of knowing that Charles Darwin is looking at you and going, natural selection wins again! Way hey!”
The paternity leave will be more than standard, but that’s because Mr Johnson has earned it.
“He’s backdating his paternity leave allowance to account for all the children he hasn’t taken it for so far,” the source continued, “which basically puts him on leave until retirement.”
But he’s not a selfish man, he only intends to take a few years off.
“Dom will let him know when it’s time to get back to work,” the source added, “in the run up to the 2024 general election Mr Johnson will be back in front of the webcam proudly telling Global Britons that it’s the finest British mud they’re eating post Brexit, and to vote for him for another five years of having to decide whether or not to use that tin of food as a weapon while rioting, or to eat first, riot after?”
But surely the part-time prime minister, but full time dad, will need a slogan to rally the people behind him?
“It’s already sorted,” the source beamed, “Get Fathering Done! And then get it done with someone else. And then get it done with someone else again. Basically just keep getting it done with as many women as you can.”
Imagine what the right wing press would be saying about the expectant couple if they were working class? Father a known serial adulterer who refuses to say how many children he has, has already been taking to court to prove paternity of a child, the mother to be formerly his mistress, now his fiancee, before he’s finished divorcing his second wife, both of them put up at taxpayer’s expense…it’s a Daily Mail dream headline with anyone other than Boris.