I JUST READ IT FOR THE ARTICLES : Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s aides are reportedly getting ever more inventive in the desperate attempt to get mini Trump, aka Poundstore Trump, aaka “Al” to read his briefs.
“Of course his wives, girlfriends and mistresses have been reading his briefs for decades,” a senior Johnson aide, Mr Stifee told LCD Views, “primarily for signs of other wives, girlfriends and mistresses. The PM isn’t so keen on such deep, personal introspection though. And besides, he can’t pay attention long enough to grasp we’re taking about official briefing papers for a man supposedly running an industrialised economy, and not his soiled underwear.”
In order to get Mr Johnson to actually glance at the memos, and documents, that thunder his way daily, the aides have had to come up with some unique techniques.
Initial attempts involved leaving the papers next to wine crates and on the seats of private jets. They are said to have even left a laminated copy of the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the spa room of a certain villa on Mustique.
All to no avail. Strategies had to evolve.
“Well, we thought how does he spend his days? It’s basically an endless game of hide ‘n seek. So they adapted accordingly.”
First they have to find him…
“Always a task in itself,” Mr Stifee said.
“He’s a master at hide ‘n seek. Then once they have located and cornered him they usually tranquillise him with a dart gun. At that point they superglue briefing papers to his hands in the often vain hope he will accidentally read one or two snippets of briefings when he recovers and attempts to hide again.”
But while the aides have drawn cheers from colleagues there has been some disquiet over the most recent method employed.
“The decision to stick the memos inside old copies of Playboy have ruffled some feathers,” Mr Stifee admitted, “as it should be a proper, traditional British blue magazine like Penthouse or Mayfair.”