ONE OFF EVENT : DOWNING STREET IS IN LOCK DOWN today, IN FRIDGE AND IN COMMUNI CAR DODO after overnight reports of a mass desertion of BRITISH FISH to FORRIN WATERS.
“No one could have predicted it,” a source inside Defra told LCD Views, “the fish don’t even have blue passports yet. It’s rattled the cage we keep Boris in, I can tell you that.”
While the process of forcing forrin fish to apply for Settled Status in BRITISH waters has been ongoing for sometime, thanks to retrospective changes to maritime immigration laws that seriously strengthen Britain’s credibility as a liberal, progressive, humane, outward looking, welcoming state, in no way drifting into fascism while half of the country is in a coma watching Love Island – while that’s been happening, no one has given much thought to controlling our watery borders in the other direction. Or to the structure of this paragraph, so it seems.
“Personally I would sink these reports into the Marinara Trench, and any other pizza themed spots you can find in the deep,” the source continued, “pass emergency legislation to make it illegal to even say the words ‘British fish mass desertion’. If the broader population don’t believe EVERY MAN WOMAN, CHILD AND FISH is a POTATRIOT FOR BREXIT, then it threatens to undermine the entire kleptomaniac agenda.”
But while the reports are alarming and swim counter to the codswallop of the people, it will probably turn out to be even more alarming. Perhaps they’ve been stolen while they slept?
“Yes. That’s more likely the case. I suggest we accuse the French of kidnapping the fish and threaten them with the one gunboat remaining (after years of Tory austerity). One thing is certain, if fish continue to desert to the Continentals the entire policy agenda of Global Britain could flounder.”
Come back fish, all is forgiven.
“Not it’s not. This is Brexitannia. Where even a fish can be a traitor.”