SUCK IT IN AND SPIT IT OUT : THE GOVERNMENT has unveiled today the commemorative Brexit dummies which will be given away to a grateful public on January 31st.
“Government ministers are to receive gold plated dummies for the gold plated dummies in the cabinet,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “and junior ministers will receive silver ones. Ordinary members of the public who wish to celebrate Brexit can purchase latex ones or steal them off babies went out and about in public.”
The dummies, which have the phrase ‘Get Dummy Spitting Done!” printed on the sides are specifically designed for spitting. Can’t take that foreigners have the same rights as Englishmen? Then get spitting! Can’t take that plebs have the same rights as toffs? Then get spitting!
“Once the UK is legally out of the EU and into the transition period where nothing changes, while everything has, the dummies will be vital for mood control,” the source continues, “we anticipate the demand for spitting dummies alone will more than compensate for any loss to traditional manufacturing sectors caused by Brexit.”
But furore has engulfed the release with the revelation the dummies are to be manufactured in an undisclosed EU27 country and flown into the UK by the RAF.
“The best people to make the dummies at a competitive price were based across the ENGLISH Channel. It’s only sensible to make the taxpayer’s hard earned money go as far as possible, and not just into tax havens. A particular pizza firm, which used to supply non-existent ferries to the Department of Transport, has said it can make spitting dummies for the right price, so it’s only sound economic management to give them the contract.”
Questions as to how the dummies will be imported, and still be economically viable, after the end of the transition period have been blithely waved away.
“Once our skilled negotiators are sat around the big table in Brussels staring in confusion at Barnier’s giant piles of paper I think we’ll have all the answers we need to any unresolved questions. There will be adequate dummies for spitting after Brexit.”
And you can bank on that, after all, there’s more than enough dummies in the current cabinet.