HUZZAH FOR GLOBAL BRITONS : The Canadian postal service is set for a record year as well wishers from the UK, and across the Commonwealth, send gazillions of letters urging Harry and Meghan, of 33 Maple Leaf Drive, Maple Town, Vancouver, CAN 34234-1A, to keep their location secret.
“This is to prevent Piers Morgan turning up with a ghetto blaster in the middle of the night and declaring his love for Meghan,” a royal watcher informs, “any day now he’s going to switch from bizarrely obsessed Twitter bully to unrequited love specialist. Although rumour suggests he’s going to be referred to Prevent in order to combat his extremist behaviour. Repent would be a better organisation of course, given his history.”
Replacing the handle Meghan Markle Lots of Extra Names Since Marriage with simply Brexit will make signing autographs a lot easier.
“It’s a real productivity boost,” the watcher nods along, tongue lolling out, “but it’s not groundbreaking. Celebrities adopting one word is well established. But what a word? It’s like wearing a Teflon jumpsuit, so far as the mainstream British press is concerned.”
How the British press will react isn’t yet certain.
“Yes it is. By reflex. Brexit can look forward to lots of wildly optimistic and positive coverage, and for the first time it will he deserved.”
And the BBC?
“Bit more ticklish for them,” the watcher shrugs, “any day now the word will come down from BBC Director General Dominic Cummings that there is to be no more mention of Brexit. And bloody hell, no one knows what will till the news cycle then. Certainly not the Intelligence Report on Russian Interference into UK democracy .”