GET WAX WORKS DONE : MADAME TUSSAUD’S has been swift to weigh into the furore over whether or not Harry Windsor-Markle-Sax Coburg and Meghan Markle-Windsor-Sax Coburg should be allowed to live their lives far away from the British gutter press.
With a speed that has dazzled, the museum has removed them. Take that!
“Madame Twoswords is famous for making two dimensional models of famous people,” our only royal correspondent pointlessly informs – breathlessly (panting over a royal spread no doubt), “they do this in noble defiance of the advent of photography and film, and often in defiance of the actual people themselves, so I’ve heard. But don’t quote me on that. It’s because wax is the way to see into someone’s soul.”
And the museum has taken Harry and Meghan’s decision as personally as Her Maj?
“Yes. This decision by the royal couple to move far away from a nation where gammon faced men huff and puff about vegan sausage rolls cuts deep. There is no suggestion that the UK gleefully re-electing Boris Johnson to be prime minister has anything to do with it. Weapon’s grade stupidity in government encased in lies and powered by the actual prime minister utilising racism whenever he feels the short term political need, what’s not to like about that? Why go?”
Baffling. So who will replace them?
“The new crown prince and princess of Britain of course,” our correspondent beams, “Boris Johnson and Carrie Current-Girlfriend are already there. Their inner depths captured perfectly in wax. Which is really the only substance that could do that. And what’s best, whenever there’s a spot of bother they both just melt away and reform again later. Some say that’s a bit of a gimmick, but I think it’s the touch of authenticity needed to compensate for the complete lack of class of the subjects, after all, the wax works will work harder than either Boris or Carrie ever will.”