SOMETIMES YOU’VE GOT TO GETAWAY : A PRIME MINISTER OF SOMEWHERE who likes to pretend he’s looking anywhere but the fat wallets of US and Russian billionaires, Boris Johnson, has ordered the construction of a symbol of his ambition.
“It’s the limit of his ambition for his time in office,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “which is very ambitious. Think about it. Most individuals who achieve the highest political office in the land actually have an idea about what they want to get done. Not Boris. He’s happy for other people to have those ideas. He just wants to wear the crown. After that? Let’s just enjoy swanning about the place. He’s a vision alright, it’s of girls in skimpy bikinis on Mustique. Huzzah!”
But the construction of the bridge will have benefits for his newly won heartlands in the Midlands and North of England.
“He’s going to cobble the bridge together out of the hopes and dreams of the voters daft enough to vote for a three word slogan. Get bridges done! That’s the wonder of decades of mismanaged decline. You get people so desperate they’ll grab at anything. Stockholm Syndrome. That’s what the quacks call it, I think?”
Construction of the bridge will begin immediately, at least so far as the redirecting of public funds and recruiting of naive celebrity backers for the scheme.
“Mr Johnson will have Carrie out the back of Downing Street with a pick axe breaking ground,” the source added, “although I suspect that’s to keep her busy while he chats to some fit new filly on Whatsapp at the time. But don’t quote me on that, I just make all this up as I go along.”
Which is exactly how we’re now to be governed. Global Britain – building a bridge to nowhere, some of the time, but mostly only in our minds.