NOT SEEING IS BELIEVING : Boris Johnson is proving to be an innovative prime minister even while far away on a well earned holiday.
“Initially Mr Johnson planned to spend the weeks following his totally legitimate, honest victory on the back of completely plausible commitments and policy deadlines by touring the constituencies that switched to back his three word slogan,” a Downing Street insider reveals, “but happily cooler heads prevailed. There’s little point in talking to voters who back him. I mean, what the hell would they tell him? So instead he decided on a beach holiday so expensive it costs the annual earnings of a sizeable number of Labour to Tory switchers.”
But even while on holiday he hasn’t been idle?
“He’s texted Cummings at least twice to see if he’s completely outsourced the civil service and MOD yet? And he’s thought a lot about the importance of words.”
And the thinking is beating fruit?
“Yes, he’s banned the B word. This way no one will blame him by association when all the damage it promises occurs. He’s also banned ‘Acuri’, investigation, Russian interference and garden bridge. Although garden bridge may get unbanned when he decides on a legacy project. He’s also thinking about holding another GE before Labour finish their, um, period of reflection.”
He’s got a lot done for a man who is supposed to be chillaxing!
“I know, right! He’s going to ban ‘NHS’ too, so people can’t accuse him of flogging it off.”
But what’s he replaced ‘Brexit’ with, now he’s gone Orwellian and banned the word?
“Jam head into rectum,” the insider reassures, “where there was once just a word, now there’s a whole phrase!”
Amazing. I can picture the benefits of jamming my head into my rectum already.
“Yes! You’ll be thinking just like Boris Johnson!”