MIYOOOOAAAWWWW : Do not fear Global Britons Larry the Cat’s future has been secured as part of the first stage of a Free Trade Agreement with impeached US President Donald Trump.
“He’s a taster,” an insider on secondment from Downing Street to the Department of International Trade told LCD Views, “we agreed the sale of Cobham for £4bn today as a dead cat, ironically enough.”
Larry the Cat has been sold to Trump Weapons, a subsidiary of Trump Steaks, but the sum received hasn’t been disclosed. This is because we no longer live in a functioning parliamentary democracy with the relevant parliamentary oversight of executive activities.
Asset stripping of an intentionally devalued UK is of course a key plank of Brexit, but people are surprised to see such an iconic feature of British politics, as Larry, sold off so quickly.
“No time like the present,” the insider explained, “we need to sell as much off as we can before people work out what we’re up to.”
But animal rights activists, and even ordinary voters have expressed alarm that Larry will now come to harm.
“He will be subject to experimentation,” the insider shrugged, “but it’s to fit him with thumbs. Cats with thumbs are the holy grail of weapons research. Imagine a cat with thumbs? Game over man. He’ll be deployed with special forces. Mostly likely to North Korea or Iraq. He’ll blend into the background and dismantle the entire country. Smoke and ruins in days.”
But Johnson watchers suspect there is an additional motivation for Johnson.
“I think anyone who suspects his ego is actually so bloody fragile he can’t handle living with a cat, who as a matter of course views him as subordinate, is presumably entirely correct.”