PRITI LIKELY : Home Secretary Priti Patel hasn’t been seen much about the Home Office since the general election. The dull, concrete halls of the megalithic building have been without the sparkle and wit of one of the UK’s most famous reformed advocates of capital punishment. LCD Views have investigated (in our imaginations) and found out why.
“She’s started turning off the heat in the homes of people who’ve criticised her on social media,” our source in the Home reveals, “she’s been keeping a list. It’s a long one. But she’s working through it with diligence.”
The list itself is believed to have been modelled with a seasonal flair.
“It’s just like the one the all powerful gift overlord, Santafuhrer, keeps. It has a column ‘Naughty’ and a column ‘Good’. Except she’s titled the columns ‘SAURON SEES YOU AND YOU WILL BURN FOR YOUR BETRAYAL’ and ‘Those who are just following orders’. She’s had to rotate the A4 sheets lengthways just to fit in the header.”
But questions have been raised over on what authority the Home Secretary is using to justify her actions?
“Haven’t you seen the government’s majority? They can do what they like with us now. The British people have been patiently waiting for common sense to return to its politics, and governance in general, for the last few years. Which was nice of them. Now strong and stable government is back. She’s using the authority granted under a new law they haven’t passed yet.”
But it hasn’t been passed?
“So? Since when have Boris Johnson and his chums showed any inclination to stick to piddling norms like that? It’ll be passed in the fullness of time. This is what the voters get when they keep re-electing political parties to power who have demonstrated a complete absence of moral compass. Ms Patel was fired as a minister for running a secret foreign affairs policy. But allowed to remain an MP! Politicians will abide by the standards the public allows them to sink to.”
Oh, well that makes it alright. Will she turn your heat back on if you say something nice about her on Twitter?
“I can’t tell you that. The only accounts to do so have been bots.”
Rug up Global Britons. The new regime is a cold one.