The government has given away – not even sold – masses of confidential healthcare data to Amazon. This can only mean one thing. Alexa is going to take over the NHS.
The cradle to grave online retailer, which will happily sell you a cradle or indeed a grave, now knows your entire medical history. So don’t be surprised if Alexa suddenly says “drop the bacon sandwich, fat boy!” or sends you a bulk order of Viagra through your Amazon Prime account.
Now every time you get a sniffle, Alexa will let you grumble for ten minutes and then prescribe you antibiotics. So long as you ask nicely at eight o’clock in the morning, then wait like an idiot for 25 minutes while Alexa puts on her makeup and has a snack.
The prescription will cost the standard rate of, well, whatever the pharmaceutical companies decide they can get away with. Plus £19.99 for next day delivery. Plus a hike in your medical insurance premium. You will also get to peruse alternative drugs, as Amazon will dutifully inform you that “customers who were prescribed penicillin were also prescribed…”.
Alexa will automatically inform your employer whenever you pull a sickie, and suspend your broadband if you do a Google search for porn.
Alexa will book you hospital appointments, if she thinks it is necessary. The waiting time for appointments will be inversely proportional to your income.
Alexa will confine you to bed and order you food from Just Eat. She will then forbid you to eat it because it’s full of sugar, fat and salt, but charge your current account anyway.
Alexa will count the cigarettes you smoke, the alcohol you drink, and the illegal drugs you consume. So don’t be surprised when she buys you a subscription to Alcoholics Anonymous and an oxygen cylinder.
Big Sister is watching you.