The NHS is in crisis. One simple procedure could solve it for good. However, the chances of it being pulled off seem unlikely, an NHS spokesman reported last night.
“We’re offering to implant the prime minister with a functioning heart,” spokesman Howard Youlikeit explained at a press conference. “It would enable him to grasp the big picture and fix not only the NHS but all the problems in this country.”
If successful it would mean a fully-functioning NHS, and money diverted from the super-rich to fix the entire country’s ailing infrastructure.
However, such an operation requires the consent of the patient, and Boris Johnson’s response was very much in the negative.
“Those hypocritical Hippocratic hippopotamuses are truly horrendous,” he said. “They’re supposed to be saving lives and yet here they are offering me an organ I don’t need. I ask them where I’m supposed to find the blood to keep this supposedly essential heart running, and they tell me it can be diverted from the blood that currently runs to my mouth and my manhood, well let me tell you I need every fluid ounce of my blood to run both, and I’ve lived this long without a heart, I see no reason why I should need one now. I am flatly declining this operation on religious grounds.”
One operation to save the country, but the patient declines due to his beliefs.
Rumours are rife that Jacob Rees-Mogg has also declined such a treatment for much the same reasons, along with other senior conservative MPs.
Even Nigel Farage voiced his opinion on the matter – not that anyone asked him to.
“What is a heart anyway?” he asked. “Never heard of one. Who needs them? Not me, that’s for sure.”
The NHS will continue to recommend the operation to all government MPs for as long as it remains in existence. We wish them luck.