GOVERNMENT OF THE LOONS : JACOB REES-MOGG ESQ, re-elected last Thursday by the good people of North-East Somerset, has spoken optimistically about what he expects from the new parliament.
“To be seen as the voice of reason and moderation,” Mr Mogg told LCD Views, via an interpreter, “it’s hard to imagine there are too many Grieves, Gaukes and Soubry’s in the new intake of Tory MPs. Just imagine what sort of character watches us in action the last few years and thinks, I’ll have me some of that hot action, baby?”
And while Mr Mogg’s attempt at hip talk is distracting, he has a point.
“Mark Francois has a majority of about 31,000,” our election analyst, Mr Moving Toireland comments, “I mean, it’s hard to fathom how that happens? And how it keeps happening? So if the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford can do that, and keep doing it since 2001, what does it tell you about what will have happened now that Labour voters have gone clinically insane?”
That’s a point made even stronger by the fact that many of the candidates selected to break the ‘red wall’ may not have been vetted that carefully.
“Cannon fodder, the lot of them, but now it seems cheerful bouncing bombs,” our analyst continues, “Mr Johnson can get out of the dead cat game and move on to governing for US private health interests, as expected. Once the new parliament is up and pumping we’ll have plenty of spontaneous felinicide to distract us.”
Whether or not Mr Rees-mogg will enjoy being seen as a sensible, middle of the road bit of lobby fodder, remains to be seen.
“You’ll be welcome of his calming presence,” our analyst shrugs, “sometime next February when the new MP for some town in the north that even the north has forgotten about, starts demanding we depth charge the French fishing fleet, you’ll be relieved to hear someone attempt to calm things down with some latin they learned while lying to the Queen.”