ROGUE TAKES QUEEN : Downing Street is not taking the threat of looming Scottish independence lying down. Well, Jacob Rees-mogg is, but Boris Johnson isn’t. Well, he’s slouching, but he’s kinda upright and focused on it. Okay, he expects to bully and bluff his way around the issue, while simultaneously threatening what he sees as a wayward colony with invasion. But. Well. It’s going to be a clusterfuck. Anyway.
“As part of the move to get ahead of the issue of Scottish independence we are banning all English immigration north of Hadrian’s Wall,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told Peston and Kuenssberg, who breathlessly tweeted it without bothering to confirm the veracity of the statement, “this is so patriotic English men and women, and children, and even pets, aren’t infected with unpatriotic ideas of the kind so popular in the frozen north.”
But while the move just seems obvious, especially if the SNP are now able to realise their long cherished ambition of independence, thanks to Brexit, is has drawn some criticism from within the government.
Speaking in the Commons to give his maiden speech, Mr Completely Eyeswivelling Batshit Insane, newly elected Tory MP for Any-on-where, had this to say,
“May I remind the prime minister of how successful the plantation strategy of William of Tangerine was in dealing with the Irish question,” the MP foamed, “and that it would be much more forward thinking to start sending patriotic English people north now to settle in Scotland. This way he will have a secure foothold when fantasists like myself begin demanding invasion to ensure Scotland doesn’t stay in the EU.”
What Mr Johnson will do with the advice isn’t clear. But he better get a wriggle on because rumours say that Sturgeon has already begun building a wall and that the English immigrants already there are going to pay for it.