STICK ‘EM WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHINE : THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY KNOWS BUSINESS and they know when they’re onto a money spinning winner.
And there’s no better time to make money than after a successful general election campaign. It’s not just the donations flooding in from individuals who would rather fund a political party than the NHS. It’s also the merchandising possibilities. They are endless.
“The general election campaign paid for itself, with a profit,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “just the VHS sales of Boris Johnson ripping off ‘Love Actually’ alone paid for several new letter boxes in the Cayman Islands. So too the eco-friendly coffee cups, modelled by Mr Johnson himself on the steps of the short hop aircraft he uses to avoid traffic.”
But VHS tapes and coffee cups aren’t the only collectibles on offer. The Cons are also reacting to events as they occur and monetising them immediately.
“There’s the special range of Boris Tonka trucks, they’re for sale now and will make the perfect gift for the spoiled brat in your life. You can’t build anything with them, which is fitting, but you can certainly demolish a GP surgery or two,” the source advises, “and now we’re manufacturing Boris Johnson fridge magnets to capitalise on his hide ‘n seek job Boris does whenever trouble is brewing. This first happened while he was basically trolling the entire UK by pretending to be a milkman. He hid inside a fridge. Which made for some fun for all the boys and girls. Where’s Boris? He was here just a moment ago? Has that reporter got anything to do with his disappearance?”
This sounds great. There’s always an accountant or lawyer’s bill that needs sticking to the fridge, to ensure one’s tax arrangements remain efficient.
“Yes. Fun and useful. Not every day you get to say that about Boris Johnson. And best of all is the slogan on the magnets.”
What is it?
“Stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.”