AFFECTION ABUSED FIRST CURDLES TO DISDAIN AND THEN INTO HATE : The alleged criminal conspiracy behind outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s re-election campaign has changed tack today after the flood of despair up north.
“No more contemporary Boris, that’s certain,” a source inside the mob told LCD Views, on condition of a threatened kneecapping, “just old footage from his golden era. Have I Got News For You. Early years. Prime time. The launch of his career as celebrity politician. The BBC have offered to assist in the strategy by accidentally using the footage day in and day out until December 11th.”
The move is clever, clearly, simple, simplistically simple, so simple Boris Johnson can’t fail to land the lines, because he’s already delivered them and they were largely written by others.
“We’ll be doubling down on it too by casting an unknown actor to play Boris as he was back in the noughties. So if there are any accidental public appearances ‘Boris’ won’t try and include any off colour jokes dressed up as classical references. That’s right out.”
But while the thinking behind the new play is clearly sound, members of the public will still be asked to help out.
“Cheer mostly. Whenever you see the archive footage pop up, start clapping. And interact with the social media bots who are the meat and gristle of our online campaign. Let us data harvest you too. Stop signing petitions calling for the publication of the Russian interference report. That’s a given. And pressure the Beeb to do its part.”
Surely that’s not necessary if they’ve already agreed to help out with errors made by overworked editorial staff?
“But we need your help. When you see ancient HIGNFY footage broadcast in place of the actor playing Boris Johnson climbing down into the sewers to replica a fatberg, getting stuck, and having to be rescued by emergency services, believe the old footage. No more skepticism posted online. Just laugh along and help Boris get over the line.”
If you don’t, and he’s ousted from government, there’s apparently a risk of him and even Gove eventually doing time? Depending on where all those repressed inquiries go once the laughter of the live studio audience of years ago has faded out in real time.
Have I Got Get The Tories Out For You.